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Gandalph
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Mon Sep 25, 2017 11:04 am

Jimmy, bye the bye, Twelve out of Ten for your joke about the jewish guy. drum
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Mon Sep 25, 2017 12:00 pm

Glad you like it Gandalph-a really old in. murgs dance

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Gandalph
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Mon Sep 25, 2017 2:41 pm

First time Iv'e heard it Jimmy. Good one That. drum

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Nearly as good looking as andsome. 

Save a tree, eat a Beaver.

Albert Einstein: "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe".

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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Wed Sep 27, 2017 7:53 pm

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen, but he didn't report it.

The thief was spending less than his wife.



One evening at a dinner party Winston Churchill angered a matronly woman.

The woman said, "Mr. Churchill if you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."

Winston Churchill quipped, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it"
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Gandalph
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Wed Sep 27, 2017 11:33 pm

Very good davo. It's surprising what floats round the outback down your way. drumdrum

___________________________________________________
Nearly as good looking as andsome. 

Save a tree, eat a Beaver.

Albert Einstein: "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe".

Machine Specs:  iMac 27 with 5K Retina Display | Intel Core i7 with boost up to 4.2 GHz | 32 GB 1867 DDR3 SDRAM | 3 TB Fusion Drive | AMD Radeon R9 M395 with 2GB Video Memory |macOS High Sierra 10.13 | Apple iPad 4 16 MB iOS 10.3.3 | 16 GB Apple iPhone 4S iOS 9.3.5 |Apple 4th Generation TV with 64 GBytes.

Laptop: Novatech 15.4" | AMD Athlon 64 1.6 Ghz | 250 Gb Hard drive | 4 Gb DDR2 Ram | Windows 10 Pro 
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davo
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Thu Sep 28, 2017 1:01 am

cyberspace and cyberghosts gandalph - I'm only a click away from London;New York and Duns!
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Gandalph
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Thu Sep 28, 2017 11:22 am

Yes, a wonderful thing the Internet isn't it. You can get anywhere on the planet and get a Street View on Google Earth. You can even travel to Mars and the Moon without getting out of the house.

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Nearly as good looking as andsome. 

Save a tree, eat a Beaver.

Albert Einstein: "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe".

Machine Specs:  iMac 27 with 5K Retina Display | Intel Core i7 with boost up to 4.2 GHz | 32 GB 1867 DDR3 SDRAM | 3 TB Fusion Drive | AMD Radeon R9 M395 with 2GB Video Memory |macOS High Sierra 10.13 | Apple iPad 4 16 MB iOS 10.3.3 | 16 GB Apple iPhone 4S iOS 9.3.5 |Apple 4th Generation TV with 64 GBytes.

Laptop: Novatech 15.4" | AMD Athlon 64 1.6 Ghz | 250 Gb Hard drive | 4 Gb DDR2 Ram | Windows 10 Pro 
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Thu Sep 28, 2017 11:54 am

An elderly fellow in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and had picnic tables under the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

'The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.

'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

'Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Thu Sep 28, 2017 11:56 am

I've just become the leap-frog world record holder.

On the down side, I'm now banned from entering any mosques whilst they are praying.
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Thu Sep 28, 2017 12:08 pm

an oldie but  goldie [where is goldie by the way?]


Lawyers .... and Politicians
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home


But he was having a lot of difficulties finding a new house. When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie - and we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie!

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.


He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?”

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."


MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words... and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Thu Sep 28, 2017 11:47 pm

Very true davo. drumdrum Good one mate.

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Nearly as good looking as andsome. 

Save a tree, eat a Beaver.

Albert Einstein: "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe".

Machine Specs:  iMac 27 with 5K Retina Display | Intel Core i7 with boost up to 4.2 GHz | 32 GB 1867 DDR3 SDRAM | 3 TB Fusion Drive | AMD Radeon R9 M395 with 2GB Video Memory |macOS High Sierra 10.13 | Apple iPad 4 16 MB iOS 10.3.3 | 16 GB Apple iPhone 4S iOS 9.3.5 |Apple 4th Generation TV with 64 GBytes.

Laptop: Novatech 15.4" | AMD Athlon 64 1.6 Ghz | 250 Gb Hard drive | 4 Gb DDR2 Ram | Windows 10 Pro 
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Sat Sep 30, 2017 8:40 am

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £100 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £100, and asked the little man: "What on earth do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the Inland Revenue ."
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PostSubject: Re: Today's joke   Sat Sep 30, 2017 8:43 am

I grew up in a rough area.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a cherry on top of my head.

Life was tough in the Gateau.
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